Sunday, October 18, 2020

Masochistic or sterile.

If you've always had it together, then this post is not for you.

Having it together had been my primary goal for most of my life. 

But it turns out very few people actually have it together.

And that makes me feel great. Relieved. Happy.

For a while, that understanding made me angry.

For a while, it meant that some people who were trying to guide me had no idea what they were doing themselves.

It meant that it felt like I wasted time when I should've been following my gut all along.

Both are traps.

Every single person on earth is doing the best they can with the knowledge they have in the moment, and a lot of that knowledge is based in what they were taught by close family and friends and their environments...which may have not been the best models.

"Wasted time" is so much of a trap that it needs two paragraphs:

If you are here, reading, yearning to play or teach or simply see what I am about to say, you have not wasted a single second. You are here, now, learning. That is never a waste. You are here, now, able to make new choices all the time. Right now, after you finish reading this exceptional post, you can choose to download a piano app and learn where middle C is. You can finish reading this well-written post and then decide to write the first measure to your new sonata or the first verse of your next poem or the whatever whatever you get it.

You have to experience Life to be able to even identify the things you don't want in your life. That's why the phrase "wasted time" is garbage. 

Now that I'm not trying to hold it together, magic is happening much more frequently.

As a musician, it is my job to keep checking in with that knowing...Remember: everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge they have...which could be based on experiences that were less than ideal. And playing sounds for the joy of playing sounds is absolutely not wasted time and whoever thinks that can go suck an egg yeah, I said it. It feels good and no one is hurt in the process of vibration generation (especially if noise cancelling headphones are involved). Yes.

I refresh this mental tidbit regularly now with verve because it frees me to unleash rage in headbanging fashion, or express my sadness by writing an opera or just an aria, or be completely unhinged or vulgar or sensitive or regressive or OppositeDay-ish or masochistic or sterile or sedate.

Yes, these words are "provocative ". Feelings don't judge, though; people do. The music wants to know it all; sometimes people can't handle it. Write it anyway. Compose it anyway. Don't judge it before it even has a chance to exist.

Here is where it all can go. Safely. Social distancely. Awesomely. Long-lastingly. Potentially profitably. Definitely historically and time-capsulely.

We teach this.

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